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Dianne,
I guess I'll have to write you again. But this time I won't be able to send it to you and you can't read it. I have lots of things to say to you.... I miss you to death. My heart aches whenever I think that we graduated without even understanding the reasons why. We were almost the best of friends. We're classmates but more than that we were seatmates And just to let everyone know, we were buddies. We are and will always be best pair of cadets. Every time I see Naruto and Sakura I can't help but see the picture of us back then. We were like ninja pair. I was clumsy like Naruto and you were as gorgeous as Sakura.
I was attracted the first time I saw you when we were first years. I never thought of you being a friend. For me you are high class. I tried resisting the infatuation but just when I was becoming successful, we became team. That's when the feelings transformed into care, admiration, and respect. I began treating you like a family. At those times for me, you are the female counterpart of Dan Carlo. Its the same way. Everything. My admiration to Dan. My courtesy to him. My complete loyalty. Yes I replicated them all to you. Its different however because you are a girl and there seem to be a little confusion especially I am beginning to search for the one. It was when Lara Faye came that I understood how I feel about you. You are my buddy. You have a special place in my life. Without you that void will always be empty. Its different from a lover. Different too from a best friend. You are not even a twin sister. I don't think there is already a word invented to describe the relationship we had. It was too special but we were never lovers. I am in rapture.
Now i know you have a child already. We never had a chance to see and chat with each other even virtually. Probably we never will have. But if ever, just one single chance, I'll seize it. I will not talk to you when that happens. I will only embrace you and let the warmth of my body and tears tell you the stories. They will let you know how I longed every night just to see you again and zip a cup of coffee with you while it rains. The grief becomes unbearable as days go by. If it is ok with you I will kiss you on the forehead. Just to let you know I missed you. Without even saying a word, I want you to know just how much you mean to me. Just how happy I ma that you existed. that you are [or if you want, you were] my friend. I will never forget your laughter. I will never forget the way you hold my hand; your penmanship; you corny attacks when you want to tease me; your thoughtfulness; your shallow dramas; your flirtatious looks; your gossips; and yes just to be more accurate... your front teeth. I miss you Dianne, God knows I do.
But I warn you. The next time I see you, I'll be as naughty as ever. I will still be Caleb. I will still be cheesy and noisy. I can even be reckless just the way I was. I'll mention everything just like before. If you give me a chance to be with you I may not want to go far anymore. I will want to see you more everyday. And that is the danger. Perhaps I may even have the same perplexity. That which I went through before Lara Faye came in. I am at a hold. I know, because there can never be another you. Just the sarcastic and prolific you.
You are solely you. It is you alone who will understand when I tell you. I want to tell you about life and how I feel. I want to tell you my fears. I want to tell you the heartaches and bleedings caused by Ronel. I want to tell you that for the first time, I felt beaten when Lara Faye chose him over me. I want to kill him! I want to tell you just everything I cannot tell my Mom nor my peers. And if you wish, I will lend you my ears also. I will listen to you. I want to hear all you need me to hear. I want to know more about your baby. I want to know all your aspirations and ideals just like the old times.
All these I hope can come to pass. I wish eternity is enough for us to share the stories we have in minds and hearts. Yeah because our experiences, though limited by time, are boundless because they are constantly pondered by us. Every single second we are away are like decades from of old hitherto. That's how extremely I miss you.
Yet for the mean time we cannot see each other. No matter how much I am eager, I still have to prepare for that wonderful reunion. I want to be ready the day I see you. Physically, I have to be strong and huge. I want to study more and be intellectually equipped as you are. More so financially, I want to bring you to places you want to be; where we can enjoy each others company. I want to please you the next time. So that is why I need to wait.
Our relationship is based on trust. You trusted me despite the worst in me. Despite the fact that you know I may fall for you sexually anytime. You never doubted my respect. You are confident of the good that is in me. Only three in the world do. Aside from you, Rizzel and JS.
I don't know what to say anymore. Perhaps I will recall the words when I see you. I can't wait for that. I know I will never have you the way I had you back then. But if we continue to trust, we can make it far greater than it was. I want you to take care of yourself. Forgive me for things I may never knew brought hurt to you. Just see me when I see you. Until then I will miss you more and more every minute.
Your Buddy,
03-CC-04
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